So as I was up at 4 a.m. this morning with Brayden, I was having an epiphany. Just how roller-coaster like my emotions/thoughts change in terms of being a mom. Because I am always so very honest here are my contradictory thoughts...
1. organized vs. unorganized- I always love being organized and really value it when other people are as well. I strive to be for his baby sitters, and with his medicines and so on. Then there are other parts like his closet, and other areas that are so not organized.
2. schedule vs. nonschedule- So I was all about reading Babywise to get Brayden to sleep through the night and it is all about a schedule. Well there are times I am crazy about him staying on schedule and others I don't care at all because I dunno if it matters anyway!
3. rules vs. fly by the seat of my pants! Now this directly ties into #2 but there are so many rules- let them cry it out, no bottles to get them to sleep, etc. For a while I wanted to follow all of the rules, but then I realized my life was much simpler when I gave in...Plus I realized that if does take an ounce to go to sleep it really isn't the end of the world.
4. patient vs. agitated- Now I hate to admit this one but it is true. There are times when I think I am the most patient with him than anyone else in the world, and other times I get SO frustrated. Sometimes calm and praying to help with a difficult situation, and others mad and cursing under my breath. I know not very nice, but again honest.
5. ignoring people's opinions on my mothering decisions vs. rebutting them- Now there was a time when I would just let things pass me by for example when people told me I was posioning him with Karo syrup, or corrupting him by rocking him to sleep, but more and more lately I have begun to speak my mind. When I get comments demeaning or questioning my decisions- for example giving him medicine when he is sick, or not giving him certain foods yet, or laying him down when he is tired, etc. I am beginning to stick up for myself.
6. Work vs. stay at home- Not that this is an option right now but I constantly think about this. There are times when I love teaching and being a mom and like getting out of the house and providing financially for the family. Then there are the times when I wish I could be home to take care of the house, think about maybe cooking, and just be the sole caretaker of Brayden.
Well I think these are the ones that popped in my mind. I am sure there will be more to come. :) I hope I am not the only momma who thinks this way!
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6 comments:
This is totally normal... I still go through all of those things EVERYDAY!!! I love your honesty :) Ultimately, all that matters is that you do what works for your family and your child. What works this time with Brayden may not work tomorrow. I have come to realize that being a mommy is being flexible, is being able to read your child, and having the right to change your mind. Brayden is lucky to have you!
I went through all this too. You have to follow your heart and do what you feel is best. There is nothing wrong with rocking him to sleep or giving him a bottle. I did both with Ava and she doesn't require any of them now, but she did when she was little. I got to sleep and so did she (and sleep is so important). You do what works and don't worry about what anyone else says. They might have a baby that goes right to sleep (I know I didn't) so they have no idea what it is like. It took me forever to figure this out because people always had their own opinion and I let what they said make me feel like I wasn't doing the right thing. You are his mommy...you do what you think it right. Only you know!
By they way..as a nurse in the NICU we rocked and gave a bottle and put them to sleep. That was the routine..diaper change, bottle, sleep every 3 to 4 hours for babies going home. It is ok to do that!
Hey Ash... you know all of my thoughts on this. I have gone through all of these emotions so don't feel like you are alone. I am a very organized person as well, but I have had to learn that "organization" and mommyhood don't necessarily go hand in hand. I do what I think is best for Ella and my family and that is all that I care about. Books can tell you one thing (especially the babywise book-hated it-with the exception of food schedules), but they truly do not know your child. Brayden will only be a baby once and you don't want to spend his infancy stressed about "what you should do". Or at least that is what I told myself. I let Ella sleep with us and I think it strengthens our relationship. Now I know that one day in the near future she will have to go to her big girl bed, but I'm not ready and neither is she. She still gets a bottle because it provides her comfort. Forget what the books say... they don't know what she needs. Same goes for everything else.... mommy knows best! I love you so much and think you do a wonderful job as a mom. Enjoy it as much as you possibly can--even through the tough times like the past few weeks. :) As far as work goes, he will be in school before you know it so just cherish each day. I know it is so hard-leaving, balancing work (when you want to do a good job), feeding, bath time, getting the bag together for the next day... but the older they get the easier it gets. It only takes me 5 minutes max to get the bag together now :) I know I have rambled, but I've been there and done that! Do not stress and do not second guess yourself. Just enjoy the gift God gave you because many mothers do not even get the chance to be stressed in this way! Love you :)
No one tells you all the doubts you'll have when you become a mother, or all the times you'll second guess your decisions! It is the most rewarding and difficult job anyone can have. Then you top it off with working full time too and the stress just grows! And I'm not sure why people feel the need to let you know what you're doing wrong with your child...my favorite is when we're out and women will tell us what we need to do, and they don't even know us!! At the mall the other day this woman told Nick we needed to start putting vaseline on Bailey's face so it wouldn't be chapped anymore...it was red because she was in a thick sweatshirt and she was hot!! Good for you for sticking up for yourself! My family didn't like it because I am very strict about what Bailey eats/drinks. They wanted to give her sweets and pop, and she has a whole lifetime to enjoy those things, right now I want her eating as healthy as she can! Now, that's not to say she NEVER has sweets :) I appreciate all your honesty and it's always nice to know someone else has or is thinking the same things you are :)
Ashley
You are not alone because I felt the same way when you and your sisters were young. There is the constant worry and insecurity of wondering if you are doing everything "right." All that "wonderful" advice that people freely give is just that--a bunch of meaningless words!! All the things that mommas worry about really don't matter when you're 21 or 23 or 25 years old! I can tell you this one thing for SURE. The most important thing you can give Brayden is for you and Drew to truly love and cherish one another. Don't let Brayden become your whole world. Nuture and protect your marriage and Brayden will continue to be the blessed, happy and loved baby that he is now. I'm so incredibly proud of you as my daughter, as a wife and as a new mother! Mom
Ashley and Drew,
These are all normal thoughts. You have to do what is good for you, Drew, and Braydon. That may be following rules one day and tossing them out at other times. You are both doing fine. Just look for a middle ground that works to help give you some sleep. You are obviously doing a lot right! He is gorgeous, mostly happy, growing daily, and developing and learning at the speed of light.
A very dear friend reminded me often when my children were babies..."Pick your battles carefully. Dr. Spock is not always the best expert to listen to. Your house will be clean when your children are gone, and then you will be missing the mess. Leave the dishes, the time for play is now, and a child that plays sleeps better." You are not alone in your thoughts! Jan Bright
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